


I Could Never Actually Hate You

by GoatMyBoat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Fluff, Childhood Memories, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Not a ship, Some Swearing, They Are Simply Two Brothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoatMyBoat/pseuds/GoatMyBoat
Summary: When Osamu wakes up from a memory of a regretful conversation he had with his brother from years ago, he can't go back to sleep until he makes things right.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	I Could Never Actually Hate You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time incorporating memories into my writing so I hope that it turned out okay!

_ “You could never actually hate me, right, Samu?” _

_ “...” _

  
  


Osamu’s eyes flung open, and he immediately sat upright on his bed, taking a moment to breathe and take in his surroundings. But that didn’t reassure him in the slightest; those same blue walls and grey curtains having been present in the dream - recollection was a better word to describe it - he just escaped from. Evidently, it was the same room, which he realized had hardly differed from the time he remembered, perhaps some posters were replaced but not much else changed.

Recalling the memory from before, he felt guilt pool in his gut as his head instinctively turned to the slumbering form of his brother on the bed next to him. As always, Atsumu lay on his back shirtless, his right arm under the pillow and the left one was lazily thrown over his chest. His chest rose and fell steadily and his snoring was as loud as ever. At least he was sleeping peacefully, probably dreaming of something wild and crazy that he would just  _ need _ to tell Osamu in the morning.

But it wasn’t like everything depended on Atsumu ranting about his imagination. No, holding that in wouldn’t keep him up at night or haunt him in his dreams, waking him up at three-thirty in the morning like an alarm. At least an alarm could be turned off and forgotten about.

Watching Atsumu for a little longer, he wondered what had caused that memory to pop up in the middle of his dreams of Suna and riding the moon to Mars. That was a really dumb dream, he realized when he actually thought about it. How did he manage to get not only a lasso but a  _ saddle _ on the moon? And how did he convince Suna to go with him? Nonetheless, he couldn’t put his finger on the reasoning behind his brain’s doing. Everything before going to bed was fine since he and Atsumu had eaten dinner and then played video games the rest of the evening. If anything, last night was a great night that shouldn’t have brought back painful thoughts.

So, why was he awake this early on a Sunday?

  
  


_ “Samu? Ya still love me, right?” _

_ “...” _

  
  


As the images flooded his brain, Osamu shook his head in an attempt to permanently remove them but to avail. In fact, all it did was make him look like he was crazy, and maybe he was for all he knew. Why else was he  _ still _ being plagued by something that happened six years ago? Atsumu probably never thought about it, so why did it waste so many hours of his life reminding him of something they moved past years ago? Unless Atsumu had never let go of it, either.

Osamu chewed on his bottom lip. Typically, Atsumu was the more crude one during their arguments, but something had snapped within himself that day that changed that. Was it due to the stress of an upcoming test? Or maybe he was told to wait an extra day for something that he was promised he’d get at that exact time? Had Atsumu pushed too many buttons beforehand? In all honesty, he couldn’t remember what had made him so  _ infuriated, _ but he was almost certain it wasn’t worth what he had said to his brother. As well as what he didn’t say.

He knew the argument had started when Atsumu started getting fussy because he was losing in a card game. They were playing poker, a game that Osamu knew like the back of his hand and one that Atsumu continuously failed to get a grasp of. Something must have been really bugging him that day as he recalled purposely letting down an excited Atsumu with news that the only card game he was willing to play with him was poker. He only ever did that when he was already in such a terrible mood. But, nonetheless, they played, with Atsumu getting more and more confused as the game progressed and Osamu getting more and more annoyed. It was only amusing messing with Atsumu for so long before his constant questions took the fun out of the game.

Eventually, Atsumu had as much as he could take before he snapped, accusing Osamu of cheating. That part was fine, Osamu was used to his brother’s childish antics by that point in time. Most of the argument was the same bickering they always did, even getting physical when Atsumu had said the wrong thing to provoke him when he was already in a bad state of mind. But it quickly escalated into something that was much worse, much more personal than most of their previous fights. What was it that had set him off?

  
  


_ “This is why yer friends talk about ya behind yer back!” Atsumu screamed, throwing his twin off of him and onto the floor, pinning him there. _

  
  


That was it. Something about that false accusation pissed him off more than any other insult the dumbass spat at him. He knew it wasn’t true because the people he hung out with only really liked him, often gossiping about each other behind their backs to  _ him _ . Their group was held together solely by him and Atsumu  _ knew _ that. Perhaps that was why he responded the way he did because his brother was being so dumb for no reason. That and whatever else had him in such a bad mood earlier that day.

  
  


_ “Well, at least I have friends!” Osamu spat back, the venom of his words slowly sinking into Atsumu’s skin without either of them realizing. “At least I’m capable of making friends and keeping them!” He kneed Atsumu in the gut, stunning him, so he could push him off and return to his position sitting on his stomach. “Yer such a terrible person and that’s why I’m the only person that can stand ya!” _

_ Receiving a few punches to the face, Atsumu blinked back his tears. Whether they were from the pain of Osamu’s hits or his words, Osamu had no idea and didn’t care to find out. What he did know was Atsumu sniffling made him more furious and so he hit harder, giving his brother no opportunity to speak. That was until he heard a car pulling up in the driveway, indicating that their parents were home. And while he was going to remove himself from Atsumu so they could attempt to get cleaned up, Atsumu took the distraction as an invitation to strike. _

_ Throwing a fist in Osamu’s face, he bellowed, “I don’t need friends or you! I’m perfectly fine without the company! Especially since ya guys would just hold me back!” _

_ “Good, because yer gonna be alone forever!” Osamu shot back, forgetting about their parents' arrival. “No one could ever love such a selfish idiot like you!” _

_ “ _ Yer _ the idiot because mom and dad love me! And I bet ya still do, which makes ya even dumber!” _

  
  


Osamu ground his teeth thinking about what he said next, his eyes warily studying his brother to make sure he didn’t wake him up from his sharp inhale. 

  
  


_ “No, I don’t,” he had said, his voice eerily calm, but only for that moment. Only long enough for him to see Atsumu’s eyes widen in shock from his tone. That look pissed him off and soon enough, the anger resurfaced, and he started pummelling his twin beneath him. He lost control after that, his own tears trailing down his cheeks from how mad he was. “I hate you! I hate ya more than anyone else ever could because nobody has to deal with ya as much as I do! Yer a jerk, and you  _ deserve _ to be alone for all yer stupid life!” _

_ “Yeah? Well, I wish ya were never born, so I would’ve never had to meet someone as pathetic as ya!” _

  
  


That was when their parents had come in to see them on the floor, bloodied and bruised. Osamu was pretty sure the only thing they heard was Atsumu’s last comment, resulting in him getting punished more severely than he did. Looking back, he realized that with all he had said to Atsumu, it really wasn’t fair how much better he had gotten it. And he felt terrible for it. But at the time, he was satisfied with what happened, feeling as if he had finally gotten revenge on Atsumu for being a jerk to him all those times before. As if he had never gotten revenge for it before then.

Glancing down to his blanket, he let out a sigh. That wasn’t who he was, he never said things like that to anyone, especially not to his own brother and best friend. He never wanted anything like that to happen again, and if he could, he would have made sure that fight had never occurred in the first place. Absolutely nothing good came from it, aside from them never bringing it up again. Their parents were mad at them, they were forced to apologize for whatever words they had cut each other with, and then they had to stay away from each other for the rest of the day. So Osamu chose to stay in their shared bedroom to read manga, while Atsumu chose to stay in their backyard to do whatever he wanted out there.

Osamu recalled how their separation didn’t last that long, a few hours at most. But the reason why it was cut so short was Atsumu sneaking his way back through the house to the room. That was certainly new. Typically, they did their time, using it to cool off and evaluate the things they said and did and then made up when they were going to bed, so it really bothered Osamu when his door creaked open to show his brother’s dumb face peaking in.

  
  


_ “Go away!” Osamu ordered looking up from his book, the flame that was very gradually diminishing had rapidly started blazing up again. “I don’t want to see ya right now!” _

_ “Shh!” Atsumu hissed as he slipped in the room and closed the door, holding his first finger perpendicular to his lips. “Mom and dad will hear ya!” _

_ Osamu glared at Atsumu, but nonetheless, he whisper-screamed. “So? Yer not supposed to be in here, so get out before I tell ‘em!” _

_ “I just have a question, and then I’ll leave! I promise!” _

_ “... Make it quick.” _

_ Atsumu shuffled awkwardly in place under the impatient stare of his twin, his eyes lowering to his hands and then back up to the latter. Osamu rolled his eyes, irritably, and scooted over on his bed, giving space for Atsumu to sit down, making Atsumu’s eyes light up a bit. Now situated beside his brother, Atsumu pulled a leg up to his chest and picked at his pants; a nervous habit he had picked up a while back, not that Osamu could remember when. By doing this, Osamu knew he was trying to find a way to properly word his question, so against his better judgment, he let Atsumu take his time, knowing the latter was probably running it through a filter so as not to make things worse. _

_ Suddenly the picking stopped and Atsumu lifted his gaze to Osamu. The latter was shocked to see the terror that he most definitely wasn’t aware he was broadcasting through his eyes. “You could never actually hate me, right, Samu?” _

_ Osamu said nothing as his eyes landed back on the manga in his hands. He didn’t know what to think of this situation since Atsumu had never asked him anything like that, much less with so much audible and visual emotion. Seeing as Atsumu didn’t seem to care if his peers hated him, Osamu was perplexed by this even more. What did he care if Osamu hated him? And what did Osamu care if it bothered Atsumu? _

_ “Samu?” the eleven-year-old asked, practically pleading, his voice more desperate than it was when asking his initial question, presumably from a lack of confirmation. His hands tightly clenched around the hem of Osamu’s blanket. “Ya still love me, right?” _

_ Osamu kept his eyes on the book in his shaking hands. However, unlike his brother who was on the brink of tears, his hands shook out of rage. All he wanted was to be left alone, secluded in their shared room until Atsumu  _ had _ to come in for bed. That wasn’t for another seven hours, which meant Atsumu was wasting his precious alone time. He figured if he ignored him enough, Atsumu would get bored and run off to go play Mario Kart or something, but of course, he stayed like the nuisance he was. How typical. But, even if he was pissed off, that didn't mean that it didn't kind of hurt him to hear his brother's voice so unsteady. _

_ “I d-don’t try to be a b-bad brother,” Atsumu confessed, frantically wiping at his eyes, determined to rid of the tears before they could make it down his cheeks, unintentionally giving himself away. “So, p-please don’t h-hate me. I m-may deserve it, but I don’t w-want to be alone...” _

_ That, along with his grip on the blanket tightening in one hand while the other picked at it vigorously, caught Osamu’s attention. Seeing the heart-wrenching display before him, he went to extend his arms out to his brother, forgetting his anger and offering a hug as he felt his own tears welling up in his eyes. He had never seen Atsumu so broken like this, especially when it came to him. And then their mother stormed in to put Atsumu back in the backyard, unaware that she just ruined their legitimate make-up, unknowingly making it so they never brought it up again. _

  
  


Now that he considered it, there actually was one good thing that came from it. Osamu knew to never tell Atsumu that he hated him or that he deserved to be alone, never wanting to be the reason Atsumu cried like that again. He just wished he would have told Atsumu he loved him or had time to actually hug him to tell him that another way. Because even with their quarrels and different interests, he knew that he wouldn’t be happy without his brother and Atsumu had showed that he needed him just as much,  _ if not more _ , numerous times. They were always the first person the other ran to when something went wrong or whenever they were excited about anything. And he knew that they would  _ both _ be lonely if they ever stopped talking to one another.

It made him feel slightly better when he acknowledged that he told Atsumu that he loved him afterwards and continued to do so to this day, but not when it had really mattered to Atsumu, not when he  _ needed _ to hear it. He wondered if Atsumu believed him whenever he said it or if his silence six years ago continued to contradict his words. Gods, he hoped not. His brother could be an asshole sometimes, but that didn’t make what he said true.

  
  


_ “I m-may deserve it, but I don’t w-want to be alone...” _

  
  


Osamu’s chest clenched tightly around his heart. That was the last thing he was going to let happen, even if it meant they would continue to bicker until their deaths. It was sad when he took the time to think about it. Atsumu was a flirt and was fine in relationships but that didn’t ensure that he would meet someone he would want to marry that would want to marry him as well. It made him feel worse because Atsumu confided in him to tell him that he really wanted to get married when he was older. Osamu told him that if he wanted it to work out, he would need to lose his abrasive front, and he had to admit that some, albeit little, progress was made since then.

Osamu heard the mattress to his left squeak a little from Atsumu shifting in his sleep after he abruptly stopped snoring. Waiting for the snore to start back up like it usually did, he grew worried when it didn’t and looked over to see his brother was still asleep. Giving Atsumu a minute or two to start snoring again but getting nothing in return, he felt his stomach twist. Did his brother just die in his sleep? What other explanation was there? Even if Atsumu wanted to go back to sleep after waking up, he let out a snort whenever he woke up. Except now, apparently.

Hesitantly slipping off of his bed, he cautiously made his way over to his brother’s silent form, visually inspecting him the closer he got. Even in the darkness of their room, Osamu could see the rise and fall of his brother’s chest, and he exhaled, relieved after he gently placed a hand on Atsumu to feel what his eyes were telling him. Atsumu was totally fine, which in turn made Osamu feel like an idiot. Why did Atsumu have to worry him even in his sleep?

Turning away to return to his bed, his foot had landed on a creaky floorboard. Glancing down, he saw part of the tape ‘X’ under his foot that they placed there, so they could move around at night without waking each other or their parents up. That was when he heard the familiar sound that alerted him of his twin’s consciousness. Holding his breath as he slowly peered over his shoulder, he found that Atsumu’s eyes were still closed, meaning that Atsumu would probably just fall back to sleep any second now. For some reason, Atsumu lucked out that way, unlike himself who found falling back to sleep really hard.

Soon enough, he heard his twin's snores fill up the room once more, and so Osamu exhaled and returned his focus to getting back to his bed. He tried to lift his foot but when he moved to do so, the floor creaked again, so he froze in place, waiting for the snort to signify that Atsumu was awake. But it didn’t come. Sighing, he pondered how he would get himself out of this mess without waking Atsumu up in the process. Maybe if he lifted his foot up fast enough, the sound wouldn’t be as loud or last as long as it would if he did it normally or slower.

Running low on options, he bet his luck and lifted his foot, only to be rewarded with the hissing of the floorboard and a snort from Atsumu.

“Samu?” a low, groggy voice called.

Fuck.

Lowering his foot to a safe spot on the floor, he pivoted to be faced with a squinting Atsumu propping himself on his arm. He wondered if Atsumu could even see him with the lack of light, and he hoped that was a ‘no’ to ensure he could quietly creep back to his own bed and try to fall back to sleep. But he knew with how Atsumu’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, that wasn’t the case. In all honesty, it was unnerving to have Atsumu staring at him in silence for this long, but Atsumu must have felt worse with having some dark figure silently standing over him.

Atsumu sat up to Osamu’s dismay and rubbed the sleep from his eyes with a yawn. “Samu, what are ya doing?”

“Nothin’,” Osamu replied lamely.

“So why are ya watching me as I sleep? That’s so  _ creepy! _ ”

“I was just walking to the door, not watching ya as ya sleep, jackass.”

“Well, I suppose ya aren’t anymore seeing as I’m  _ awake  _ now.” Cheekily awaiting some other lame attempt at justification but never getting it, Atsumu cocked his head at his awkward roommate. The latter knew he was studying him. And after a moment, the lack of response must have set something off in his brain since he suddenly looked more awake, letting a sigh escape from him as he repositioned himself so there was room next to him. Patting the open spot, he offered a sleepy smile and turned on the lamp next to his bed. “C’mon.”

Without thinking it through or even agreeing to the offer, Osamu’s body directed him to where Atsumu had told him to go, even pulling the covers over his legs when he sat down. With those expectant brown eyes on him, he came short on what to say. Did he tell his twin everything or just the reason he had come over? Did he even have to say anything at all? Could he just stand up and go back to sleep as he had planned? What stupid questions. He knew Atsumu would continue to push and push until he knew everything that was going on in his head, and he hated it because he got lulled into a confession  _ every time _ .

Who needed to be telepathic when you could talk someone into telling you their every thought?

Leaning his head against the wall behind him, he chewed on the inside of his cheek. How would Atsumu react to his woes? He presumed the latter would probably laugh it off as he did any genuine concerns towards him, so that wasn’t too bad. It was the risk of being made fun of which made him hold his tongue. However, that worry faded when Atsumu had shifted on the bed to face him with curious eyes, his legs now crossed Indian-style under the blanket.

“Do ya ever remember bad things in yer dreams?” he finally asked.

Atsumu nodded, his eyes now wide in horror. “Grandma’s sponge bath.”

Osamu shuddered at the memory. They were eight years old and their grandmother had been living with them at the time due to a small fire being set off in her house. She was taking a sponge bath, but she had forgotten to close the bathroom door all the way so Atsumu had walked in to see his naked grandmother as she departed from the tub. He shrieked at the sight, alerting Osamu something was wrong, resulting in him rushing over just to get an eyeful of his grandmother putting a towel over her wrinkled body. Fortunately for him, he had only seen her backside, whereas Atsumu had seen  _ everything _ .

He didn’t know Atsumu still thought about that, but had he been the one to see her like that, he was certain he would to.

Osamu continued. “Do ya remember that one really bad fight we had when we were eleven? It started with poker, and it ended with us almost killing each other?”

Atsumu took the time to think about it, his eyes travelling the room but never seeing anything they landed on. When he realized what his twin was talking about, he cringed. “Ya mean the one where I said I wished you were never born?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“I didn’t mean that, ya know.”

Osamu lifted his head from the wall and stared at his brother whose eyes were downcast at the blanket. Was that what Atsumu believed was haunting him? Sure the words had hurt him and made him feel terrible, but after Atsumu came crying to him, he knew it wasn’t true at all. He figured now that maybe his suspicions from before were true, perhaps Atsumu was plagued by it as well. It wasn’t like he could blame him for regretting it, but it did take him by surprise to hear that come out of his mouth so readily, as if he had been looking for an opportunity to say it and now was that time.

Osamu smiled at him, reassuringly as he nudged him playfully in the arm. “I know. It was just a heat of the moment thing. The same goes for everything I said about you. Besides, that wasn’t what I was talking about, anyway.”

Atsumu’s saddened eyes flew up to meet Osamu’s, puzzled. “Whaddaya mean? I thought ya would’ve remembered the worst part of it the most.”

“For  _ you _ , that was the worst part.”

“‘Kay, what’s the worst part for  _ you? _ ”

Osamu took a shaky breath and readjusted how he was seated to better see Atsumu. He could tell that his brother was relieved to hear that those harsh words weren’t what was on his mind, but the latter was now racking his brain for what could have been worse. He figured the least he could do was to let him in on what it actually before Atsumu hurt himself.

“The worst part for me was afterwards. When ya sneaked into our room and asked me if I could ever actually hate ya.”

Atsumu let out a laugh, the reaction that Osamu had predicted would happen. However, Osamu wished the sound wouldn’t have come out during this talk. Seeing his brother’s expression, the blonde shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I was a baby with that, wasn’t I? But I didn’t think it was something that would scar ya. It’s not like I was trying to-”

“No, Tsumu, just listen!” Osamu pleaded, not wanting his brother to get any dumb ideas, such as never getting emotional with him again. Knowing Atsumu, that would definitely be where that conversation would have led, and he was not going to let that happen. “You were so desperate for me to say that I loved ya and I never did. I was just so angry you came into the room that I didn’t even think about how much ya needed to hear that from me! I also didn’t care enough about yer feelings since you told me how much ya didn’t want to be alone, and yet I  _ still _ played a brick wall!”

Atsumu’s jaw dropped in shock from his twin’s sentiment, but it was quickly brought up for him to let out another laugh. “Samu, calm down! Yer panicking over nothin’.”

“Ya asked me what was bothering me, so can I finish?”

“Well, I just don’t see what the big-”

“Great!” Osamu chirped, cutting Atsumu off as he remembered where he was in his ramble. But once he found out, he could feel his throat tighten and his chest clench. “I was going to hug ya, Tsumu, I was! But then mom came in, and we never talked about it after that. So, I don’t know if ya believe me when I tell ya that I love ya, or if ya still think of all of those terrible things I said about ya when tellin’ ya that I hated ya!”

“Samu-”

“I’m just really sorry!”

It was either due to the tears seeping down Osamu’s cheeks or the many cracks in his voice, perhaps even both, that made Atsumu frown before pulling him into a semi-awkward hug with their positioning beside each other. Regardless of the discomfort, Osamu clung to his brother’s torso and cried into his chest, every once in a while sputtering up another apology that Atsumu denied was necessary. The more soothing circles Atsumu rubbed into his back, the easier he felt calming down was, which was good because it wasn’t his intention to cry like this tonight.

But Atsumu didn’t tell him to stop or call him a baby as he was fearing he would. Instead, he whispered reassurances into his hair and held him until his sobs became soft sniffles. At that point, Osamu slowly pulled away to wipe his eyes, and Atsumu used his twin’s shirt to dry his chest. Osamu sent him a small glare that the latter laughed off, the cheery sound bringing a smile of his own to his face as he playfully hit his brother for laughing at him.

“Thanks,” Osamu said, lowering his hand to his lap with another sniffle.

Atsumu nodded. “No problem.”

“... Ya know I could never actually hate ya, right?”

“Yes, I do, ya sap. You not sayin’ it only bothered me then, but we’re good now, so do yerself a favour and stop thinkin’ about it like we’re not.”

“M’kay, I’ll try.”

As if on cue, the pair of them let out a yawn and laughed from how in sync they were in doing so. Much to their peers’ and strangers’ surprise, they weren’t telepathic, and they never planned to do stuff like this at the same time like that. It weirded them out as well because it was like there was something in their brains that was connected and told their bodies to do or say the same thing. They may believe it was cool, but it was still kind of freaky to them, despite this being the seventeenth year it’s happened.

Regardless, the involuntary action reminded each other that it was four in the morning. Agreeing that sleep was the best medicine for their tiredness, Osamu made his way back to his bed, making sure that he didn’t step on the tape again. Once he was situated in his bed and under his covers, Atsumu turned his lamp off and lay down how he was before he woke up, reminding Osamu just how much his twin didn’t move in his sleep.

“And, Tsumu?” Osamu called out once silence had washed over them, evidently before Atsumu had fallen back to sleep.

“Hm?”

“You don’t deserve to be alone. Not now, not ever. And ya won’t be since you’ll have to deal with me for the rest of yer life whether ya like it or not.” 

A sniffle was heard from his left, and when he turned his head to the sound, Osamu saw Atsumu nod his head in the darkness.

“... Thanks, Samu.”

“Any time.”

“I love ya.”

“I love ya, too.”

And with that, Osamu felt more at ease than he had for a while, knowing now that his brother wasn’t still upset about that argument like he was. Shifting on his bed to face the ceiling, he heard Atsumu’s snores gradually build in volume and fill the room. Much to anyone who had ever had a sleepover with the blonde’s surprise, Osamu found the sound comforting, viewing it as white noise and using it to remind him that after all their fights, his twin was still there by his side. Well, that, and now it felt weird to fall asleep without the loud noise he had been used to passing out to the sound of for so long.

Slowly, Osamu closed his eyes and fell back to sleep much faster than he could remember doing so in the past. And to top it all off, the last thing he did before slipping into the world of dreams was smile to himself, feeling deep down that his brother was doing the same.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it :D


End file.
